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Concrit - Poem

This came to me all of a sudden and pretty much wrote itself in about 20 minutes or so. Now what I would love to know is what you think of it? I would love to devote more time to poetry but, having been out of the game for a while am looking for constructive comments to help me improve.




Connection

As I fly high into the sky
My feet still beat upon the street
My mind is fine if you define
That fine is just a state of mind

I shake I break and lie awake
I bend I mend as I pretend
I see through me to what I’ll be
If you see through my fantasy

Stand tall and fall as will we all
We break we take but don’t forsake
We live to give all that we have
To share that rare prerogative

You see to me you’ll always be
The tune the moon reflecting sea
I cry as I see in your eye
My soul made whole – eternity

Fini

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Comments

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
lextenou
Feb. 3rd, 2007 04:28 am (UTC)
Um...wow.

Totally speechless.
newbie_2u
Feb. 5th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! But please don't remain speechless for too long - I love reading your stories.
darandkerry
Feb. 3rd, 2007 11:16 am (UTC)
I cry as I see in your eye
My soul made whole – eternity


Very lovely.
newbie_2u
Feb. 5th, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope to write more. I'd forgotten how amazing poetry can be.
greenovalfruit
Feb. 3rd, 2007 12:35 pm (UTC)
Lovely! I'm sure people could come up with reasons not to like it but I really, really did. You're so clever!
newbie_2u
Feb. 5th, 2007 03:30 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! To be honest I wouldn't mind if someone were to provide constructive comments regarding my work. I believe it can only make me better at what I am doing.
greenovalfruit
Feb. 6th, 2007 04:31 am (UTC)
Mmm... you could always join a poetry comm or something? I'm all like YEAH I NEED CRITICISM FOR ENGLISH and then I get it and I want to curl into a ball and cry :P By the way, have you friended my school journal, extended_me? Go do that now. It's anonymous so no saying my name but read the first thing I've posted and tell me what you think! :)
newbie_2u
Feb. 6th, 2007 01:59 pm (UTC)
Yes, I did apply to a comm and am waiting to hear from them. I did friend your school journal and will do my best to comment on your work. Perhaps today.
shantikarma
Feb. 6th, 2007 11:52 pm (UTC)
a few good words
hi,
I liked it, there was a feeling of self discovery in the stanzas and then found love that appealed to me
newbie_2u
Feb. 7th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
Re: a few good words
Thank you so much for the kind words! You are spot on as far as what I was hoping to convey.
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )